It is also true that I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to prove my worth.
I lived a life that prioritized impressing others and pretending that my life was as good as it looked.
Meanwhile, most of my energy was directed at suppressing the critical voices in my head.
And at trying to control the world around me.
If I could arrange everything just so, I'd be alright.
I optimized my professional pursuits to include riches, reputation and impact.
I dialed in my physical health with diet, exercise and sobriety.
I ran dozens of marathons and two Ironman Triathlons.
I built my dream house with my own two hands.
All good things.
But none of my achievements worked as well as I needed them to.
They didn't complete me the way I hoped they would.
My most recent success would produce the high I was looking for.
And it would allow me to feel good for a bit but sooner or later, the novelty would wear off and the critical voice in my head would re-emerge to tell me, with varying degrees of subtlety, that:
"I'll only be good enough if...."
The only way I knew to keep those voices at bay was to comply with their demand.
So I'd up the ante and go for more.
I clicked off goal after goal.
Over and over again.
Hoping to find fulfillment on the other side.
And I did it well enough that I could afford to retire by the time I was 40.
I was financially free and living what looked like my dream life.
I was married to the woman of my dreams.
Raising a family I adore.
Traveling 4 to 5 months every year.
Working only when I wanted to.
But there was one problem.
My inner world didn't feel anywhere near as good as my outer world looked.
The truth is, it NEVER had...
Something Had To Change.
So I started looking inside myself for the answers.
And, thank God, I started finding them.
Over the last 3 years, I've found, and continue to find, increasing levels of wellness.
I'm learning how to grow and evolve without using shame and self judgement as the primary fuel source.
For the first time in my life, I'm as comfortable inside as I am on the outside.
I'm happy with who I am and where I'm at.
That doesn't mean I don't want more.
I do.
I just don't NEED more to be OK inside.
And Im not just OK.
I'm ENERGIZED.
ALIVE.
And FILLED WITH LOVE for myself and others.
I've found a level of PEACE that I didn't know existed.